This New Years Day, I was at a friend’s sushi party and only really knew the hostess. The rest of the people there were either complete strangers, mild acquaintances, or just strange. I was sitting in proximity to the Diet Coke and was talking to a pair of sisters, let’s call them Josie and Jane*. Josie was next to me and Jane was on her other side. I had talked to Josie before but only in a “my goodness the weather is nice today” kind of way. . . Wait, come to think on it, she did mention wanting to make out with a friend of mine in the midst of that weather conversation. It was like “Wow, the weather sure is improving. Your tall friend Dan is absolutely gorgeous and needs me to kiss him. I like the snow, don’t you?”
But I digress. As I was talking to these sisters, a man sat by Jane, picked up her hand, and starting rubbing it. I didn’t say anything because I thought they were friends. Obviously not. She slowly turned and looked at him, face aghast.
“What are you doing!?” she asked
“I’m a physical therapist” He said. “Doesn’t that feel good?”
“No!” she said, pulling her defiled hand away and turning towards our conversation.
By this time, another guy sat by me and we had starting talking. We’ll name him Mike. Anyway, Mike and I were talking and Josie wanted to join in. “Mike, if you want to, Casey will make out with you. Go on, take her outside. She’ll kiss you a lot.”
Are you kidding me? I’ve only talked about the weather with this woman and already she’s painted me as some sort of lip slut to a complete stranger?! Needless to say, I tried to brush over her obnoxious remark and continue the conversation with Mike. Soon, I saw Josie stand up and hover over us. I pretended not to notice.
“I’ve got a new hug. You want to feel it?” She said.
Ew. I looked over at Mike because I thought she was talking to him but he was smiling at me bemusedly. Horror stricken, I looked up at Josie. Her face was fixed on mine, her mouth smiling and her arms extended. “No! Go hug someone else. Go hug a man.” I fought. But she persisted, begging me to hug her. Finally Mike suggested that if I hugged her, she’d go away. So I stood up and leaned in, not wanting to make too much contact.
She grabbed me, pulled me in, and then pushed her ample bosom into me. Now, I’ve failed to explain this girl’s stature. She’s about 6’1” and well endowed. And when I say ample bosom, I don’t mean it in the polite way Jane Austin would. The girl was huge. There were mammaries everywhere. It was awful. I strained against her, repulsed.
“That’s gross! I’ve got my own pair! Why would I want you to squeeze up into me like that? Go freaking hug a man!” Ew Ew ew ew. I felt so dirty. A nearby guy had been watching and came in for his own hug, distracting her for a moment. I turned to Mike and said I had enough excitement for the evening and was leaving. He bent in, kissed me and then told me to have a good year.
What a surreal way to welcome in a year. I didn’t even get any sushi. And where was Jane this whole time? Why didn’t she reign in her sister? Was she still busy fending off physical therapists with hand issues? Oh well, I guess it’s good because things can only get better from there, right?
But I digress. As I was talking to these sisters, a man sat by Jane, picked up her hand, and starting rubbing it. I didn’t say anything because I thought they were friends. Obviously not. She slowly turned and looked at him, face aghast.
“What are you doing!?” she asked
“I’m a physical therapist” He said. “Doesn’t that feel good?”
“No!” she said, pulling her defiled hand away and turning towards our conversation.
By this time, another guy sat by me and we had starting talking. We’ll name him Mike. Anyway, Mike and I were talking and Josie wanted to join in. “Mike, if you want to, Casey will make out with you. Go on, take her outside. She’ll kiss you a lot.”
Are you kidding me? I’ve only talked about the weather with this woman and already she’s painted me as some sort of lip slut to a complete stranger?! Needless to say, I tried to brush over her obnoxious remark and continue the conversation with Mike. Soon, I saw Josie stand up and hover over us. I pretended not to notice.
“I’ve got a new hug. You want to feel it?” She said.
Ew. I looked over at Mike because I thought she was talking to him but he was smiling at me bemusedly. Horror stricken, I looked up at Josie. Her face was fixed on mine, her mouth smiling and her arms extended. “No! Go hug someone else. Go hug a man.” I fought. But she persisted, begging me to hug her. Finally Mike suggested that if I hugged her, she’d go away. So I stood up and leaned in, not wanting to make too much contact.
She grabbed me, pulled me in, and then pushed her ample bosom into me. Now, I’ve failed to explain this girl’s stature. She’s about 6’1” and well endowed. And when I say ample bosom, I don’t mean it in the polite way Jane Austin would. The girl was huge. There were mammaries everywhere. It was awful. I strained against her, repulsed.
“That’s gross! I’ve got my own pair! Why would I want you to squeeze up into me like that? Go freaking hug a man!” Ew Ew ew ew. I felt so dirty. A nearby guy had been watching and came in for his own hug, distracting her for a moment. I turned to Mike and said I had enough excitement for the evening and was leaving. He bent in, kissed me and then told me to have a good year.
What a surreal way to welcome in a year. I didn’t even get any sushi. And where was Jane this whole time? Why didn’t she reign in her sister? Was she still busy fending off physical therapists with hand issues? Oh well, I guess it’s good because things can only get better from there, right?
*Please note: Most names in this blog will be changed to protect the innocent or myself from the people who’re the cause of that particular day’s random thoughts.
3 comments:
This is funny and weird and sad all at the same time... meaning you've written it very accurately. There was a lot of "feeling" going on at that party. Next year stay home.
Maybe it's a good thing you didn't have any sushi...it sounds like there was something more 'fishy' than normal in them!!!
Oh mylanta Casey... what a story. Ryan and I have stayed home the last couple of years, but whoa... I swear you have the most interesting "party" experiences :) I love hearing about them.
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