Misse Beverly Dout

So my friend Martha and I were IMing and talking about a guy I had been interested in who recently mentioned his girlfriend to me. I IMed something like “his loss” and she typed back “Yeah, he misse dout”.

From that mistype sprang an effusion of imagination. We decided that his girlfriend’s name was indeed Misse Dout and we came up with her bio. I’ll share some choice moments.

That's hilarious. Misse Beverly Dout. . . And she has red hair.
AND LOTS AND LOTS OF FRECKLES
HER HAIR IS UNRULY, KINKY, NOT CURLY
Yeah, and she's got poo colored eyes.
YEAH, AND SHE ALWAYS WEARS EMERALD GREEN BECAUSE IN SOME TIME SPACE CONTINUUM, SOMEONE TOLD HER REDHEADS NEED TO WEAR EMERALD GREEN/JEWEL TONES.
And she wears really light blue jeans a la 1995
YES! AND SHE FOLDS THE BOTTOMS AND WEARS WHITE KEDS THAT SHE BLEACHES EVERY SATURDAY
And has a weird laugh. Not cute, just weird.
YEAH, NOT ONE YOU CAN GET USED TO.
It takes you off guard and she laughs at inopportune and awkward times.
YOU JUMP OUT OF YOUR CHAIR BECAUSE SHE CACKLES WHEN THINGS ARE TOO QUIET FOR HER. HAVE YOU SEEN HER NOSE?
Not only freckly but huge! And all red and swollen because of allergies. She's allergic to his deodorant.
BUT SHE WON'T TELL HIM BECAUSE SHE IS AFRAID HE WILL LEAVE HER JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHERS
Yeah. She also won't ever let him in her room because of her Cabbage Patch Doll collection.
AND HER BARBIE DOLL HOUSE
And the rainbow kite hanging from the ceiling.
AND HER WEAVING LOOM. SHE IS MAKING HIM A RAG POTHOLDER FOR CHRISTMAS
With his initials.
YES, SHE WON THE WEAVING LOOM CHAMPIONSHIP IN 4TH GRADE
She still has the ribbon up on her vanity next to her photograph she took with Kirk Cameron during a "Left Behind" DVD signing.
YEAH, AND SHE KNOWS THE DVD WORD FOR WORD
Yep. She watches that and the He Man movie in tandem every Saturday.
WHILE HER KEDS ARE BLEACHING
Yes, during her weaving time.
SHE OWNS STOCK IN HOBBY LOBBY AND ROBERTS CRAFT
She's already made her wedding dress and practices writing her name in her diary with a lock and a unicorn on the cover.
IS SHE HYPHENATING?
She's practicing both versions. Still deciding.
IF I HAD A LAST NAME LIKE DOUT- I WOULD DEFINITELY HYPHENATE LOL. I DON'T HATE HER COMPLETELY. JUST DON'T MAKE ME HANG OUT WITH HER
ever
SHE USES HAND SANITIZER LIKE LOTION
She always smells sterile.
And names her plants.
EUNICE AND BEATRICE DOUT. SHE GIVES THEM HER LAST NAME
Don't forget Fergie Dout
Named after Princess Sarah
OH, YEAH, FERGIE IS NEW. SHE IS OBSESSED WITH BRITISH ROYALTY
She's made their action figures out of Barbie and Ken dolls.
SHE TRAVELED TO BRITAIN ONCE AND JUST HUNG OUT OUTSIDE OF BUCKINGHAM PALACE. WITH HER BAD TEETH PEOPLE THOUGHT SHE WAS A LOCAL
She bought a royal guard hat at Epcot and wore it on her trip.
ALONG WITH HER PRINCE HARRY T-SHIRT THAT SHE MADE WITH T-SHIRT IRON ONS AND TRIED TO SELL ON EBAY, BUT NO ONE WAS THAT INTERESTED IN HARRY. THEY WANTED WILLIAM
True. She has a William purse.
BUT SHE HAS A THING FOR REDHEADS SINCE SHE IS ONE. AND SHE DRIVES A BEAT UP GEO PRISM IN PURPLE BUT THE PASSENGER DOOR IS GREEN
With a Garfield in the back window and her license plate says "ETURNL"
WITH A LICENSE PLATE FRAME THAT READS: "RULDS2?"
She's part of the Wednesday night sewing club
YES SHE LIKES TO BE INVOLVED
She's also making a recipe book just so she can get her recipes out.
AGAIN- THE ONLY ONE CONTRIBUTING
She's very proud of her "Angel-ed eggs" which are really deviled eggs but she changed the name.
SHE DOESN'T PLAN TO MOVE OUT OF HER PARENTS HOUSE UNTIL SHE MOVES IN TO HER HUSBAND'S
She has all the names of her six children picked out and written inside the cover of "Emma"
AND SHE MAKES "BETTER THAN SEX CAKE" BUT SHE DOESN'T DARE CALL IT THAT. SHE HAS TO SPELL IT OUT IN A WHISPER. SHE DOESN'T PLAN TO KISS BEFORE SHE MARRIES.
Better than making babies cake.
Every time he goes in for a kiss, she pulls away and then starts to sneeze bc of his deodorant again. he still hasn't caught on.
NO, HE HAS NO CLUE
HE THINKS SHE IS PLAYING HARD TO GET
Oh yeah, but he can only take a couple more nights of misnamed good food and British Royalty role playing games.
WOW- YOU HAVE MADE ME LAUGH PRETTY HARD TODAY FRIEND
Same thing! We're pretty funny.

I'm a geek

Oh no. I’m a geek. A full on Batman t shirt owning, movie quoting, trivia knowing, computer using, matchy matchy geek.

I’ve always thought of myself as quirky. I mean, I’ve got a random collection of t’s, including the aforementioned Batman, Bo Duke, Kirk Cameron, Care Bears, Debbie Harry, Cedric Diggory, and Corey Haim to name a few. I just used “aforementioned” properly in a sentence. I have over a hundred pairs of shoes and like to match them to my outfits. I have too many movies, some of which I haven’t even seen. I have a Donny Osmond poster hanging on the same wall as my Morrissey and Breakfast Club posters. I’ve been to Disneyland too many times to remember and I don’t live in California. I have a Nightmare Before Christmas collection. I hate it when people dangle their participles. I have issues when people don’t wash their hair enough. I’m a stickler for using my turn signal, even when I’m alone on a road. I know what “NPC” and “RPG’s” are. I have a book on how to draw comic book characters. I usually fall for the funny best friend in movies. I had a huge crush on Owen Wilson for five years. My dog is named after Tim Burton and a wookie. I know all the words to “Puttin’ on the Ritz” and I have a Winnie the Pooh blanket here by my desk.

Ok, so now that I list all of that, I realize I’ve been a geek for a while. . . But yesterday, the realization hit me hard as I was walking to lunch. I passed a pair of guys talking. One of them whined “But I want to go to Toshi Station to pick up some power coversions!”

It took everything I have to not correct him. Inside, my mind was saying “Converters you idiot! ConverTERS! Why would Luke Skywalker ever go to Toshi Station to buy conversions?! I bet now you’re going to try and convince me that Mon Motha was dating Grand Moff Tarkin.”

Yeah. I’m a geek.

Evolution

I had a thought today as I was stuck behind a pickup truck whose driver refused to go the speed limit or use turn signals and gave the bird to the people she cut off while in the process of not signaling. It was one of those multi-colored trucks, brown rust body, blue hood, and black doors. One door flaunted a spray painted logo of a star being formed of broken guns. The rear window sported several choice stickers like Calvin peeing on something and a rabbit with antlers. The ever spectacular mud flaps with the silhouette of a lady were blowing in the wind. Shiny chrome framed the license plate while the rest of the truck was rusting away. But what made me do a double take was the Darwin fish on the bumper that displayed the word “evolve”. Ironic, isn’t it? Everything about the truck was evidence contrary to the whole idea of evolution. Maybe the driver was trying to remind herself.

To do:
- Buy more wife beaters and yell at the cashier
- Get tattoo of the Tazmanian Devil removed
- Try and use expired coupons from KFC at Taco Bell
- Evolve

Pot Lucks

Recently I went to a pot luck full of single people. It was yet another eye opening experience. The food was good. I think only a couple people brought store bought cookies. I was impressed. There were find out questions on the paper covered tables, to help spark conversations and crayons scattered around in case the conversations lull.

While our conversations freely flowed, we grabbed a few of the questions out just to see what we could’ve been talking about. One was “What are you wearing that best represents you?” The best thing I could come up with was my plastic bracelets. The rest of my clothes actually almost looked grown up. My roommate was lucky though, she was wearing a tshirt with a skeleton kid on it saying “Nobody wants to play with me”

Another question was “If you were on a long flight, who would you want to sit next to on the plane?” I stated that I didn’t want anyone to sit by me. I’d rather have the elbow room. I hate being squished on a plane. A friend across the table kept saying “The plane is full, you have to sit by someone!” but since that wasn’t stated on the paper, I stuck with my initial answer.

The two guys next to us were characters. Every time I would say something, one of them would just stare at me as if he was checking off something in his head. Finally, I asked him what he was doing and he told me he was profiling me. Some profile. I’m sure it was incredibly shallow. Who’s going to discuss deep things like the state of the union my personal feelings on child development while eating meatballs and fruit salad?

At the end, I started rolling up the paper tablecloths to help clean up. As I neared the end of the table, I got close to a guy drinking a soda (let’s call him Eddie) who was just watching the cleanup and a girl who was folding chairs. I had to stop a couple feet away from Eddie because there were some bottles of water on the table. With my arms full, I looked up at Eddie and said “Hey, can we throw these bottles away?”

He looked at me, shrugged, and said “I don’t care, they’re not my drinks. You can do whatever you want.”

The girl with the chairs looked up at him and said “She was asking for help.”

It was at that point that I realized yet again how different men and women are. It’s funny how one can have a reoccurring realization, as if it doesn’t stick the first two thousand times. I smiled as Eddie took the bottles and threw them away then continued sipping his soda while we finished clearing the table.

I keep hearing that we have to be very direct with men. Eddie was a testament to that. Ladies, if you want a man to throw water bottles away, just tell him. He’ll do it. He just needs exact direction, not hints.

New York City

I just came back from a trip to New York City to visit my sister with my mom. Other than the 100 degree weather, it was fabulous. The city is crazy beautiful, full of people of every race, background, and situation.

It was interesting to see the different parts of Manhattan. We stayed in Karley’s apartment, surrounded by high rises and not too far from all the ginormous office towers.
We ate at Tao, a very chic restaurant (Karley told me they filmed a scene from “Hitch” there) and my mom started dancing to the house music being pumped through the room. Who knew my mom was so cool? She had gone shopping beforehand, buying a lot of black and white clothes to “New York” herself. . . She fit right in. In fact, she got six boyfriends at the Bagel place the next morning. The crusty old men there were flirting up a storm and giving her free cookies. They weren’t about to offer me any.

We walked to the bizarre world of Times Square, where although it was crowded and lit like a Christmas tree, it was surprisingly quiet. Everyone was walking around agape and no one was watching where they were going. The signs advertising Coke, Broadway shows, and stupid movies starring Adam Sandler and Mike Meyers illuminated the streets and captivated the crowds

SoHo was so posh, everyone advertising their D&G or Prada ensembles and greeting each other with kisses on the cheek. The beautiful people were out in full force. We almost ran into pretty Dax Shepard and his arm candy as we were window shopping. I felt very out of place in my Kohl’s shirt, Target sunglasses, and large pant size. After a stop in Chinatown to pick up a knock off D&G purse and glasses, I felt better. (sadly, the vendors in Chinatown could do nothing about my pant size). The fancy cupcake from some super famous bakery didn’t help either.

I tell you what, walking around NY really makes SLC very tiny in comparison. But, in retrospect, New York’s got nothing on us. . . They may have Saturday Night Live, the Today Show, the Beastie Boys, Sean Puffy Combs, Vince Lombardi, Jerry Seinfeld, and James Cagney but we’ve got the Osmonds! Take that, Brooklyn!

So Many New Things

I’ve learned a couple things these past few weeks I haven’t posted anything. . . Well, I’ll go back and do a small recap of my adventures and interject my newly acquired knowledge (or witnesses to knowledge I already had).

I went to Los Angeles with some friends during the weekend of Mother’s Day. We spent time at Disneyland, California Adventure, The J. Paul Getty Museum, Santa Monica, Hollywood, and several restaurants. While on this trip, I learned some key things: my jeans aren’t as flattering as I thought they were, women should always wear bras even if they’re not busty (their lack of bra is definitely not as flattering as they think they are). Churros should be eaten away from the body and only when you’re dry and full garlic meals shouldn’t be eaten while on a date. Women talk to more strangers than men do. I get scolded if I buckle my backpack into the Tower of Terror seatbelt. Martha Andrea and I look cute in a similar cut shirt. I still don’t like tomatoes. too many teenage girls think they’re really cute in Winnie the Pooh ear barrettes. Hannah Montana really is taking over the world. I can’t eat a full burger from the ESPN Zone without being sick and no one should eat a full Monte Cristo sandwich from the Blue Bayou by themselves. Some people have weird ideas at what constitutes “fine art”. Gina Davis looks a bit older than I thought. PT Cruisers have terrible turning radiuses and weird shiny distracting dashboards, and Jeff snores.

The trip was a blast.

Then upon returning, I learned that my dog gets both exhausted and wounded at pet care places, I’m not as rich as I’d like to think, the government really doesn’t want to give me my six hundred dollars, and my bed is my favorite.

Since then, I learned that I didn’t like the second Narnia movie or Golden Compass. My melon colored shirt makes me look both tan and thinner so I’ll be wearing that every day. A Master Butler taught me that gum doesn’t freshen breath and that when a lady leaves the table, the man should order a new napkin for her. He also taught me how to eat cheesecake. I never knew you needed both a fork and a spoon.

Today I learned that t-shirts starring Bo Duke will invoke teasing.

Holy cow, that’s a lot. . . And that was only in two weeks.

Dating panel

Recently I was asked to be on a dating panel. It’s exactly what you think; six people sitting up in front of a crowd, answering questions. As I looked down the table at the other girls in the panel, high school came to mind. I was sitting with the Prom queen, the head cheerleader, and the captain of the chess club. I guess that made me the class clown. The guys had an equal division of clicks. Yeah, I couldn’t figure out how I fit in either.

The questions were pretty great. There were ones like “How should I ask a girl out?” or “If a girl ignores me, is she playing hard to get or is she not interested?” My answers were pretty simple too; “Just ask her. Chances are good that she’ll say yes (that is if you don’t display any creepy mutant factors)” and “Move along Captain Stalker. . . she’s not interested. Find another prey to harass.” There were other questions addressing whether or not a first date is alright on Valentines day, if and when the girl should pay, what a woman wants in a man, etc.

It was interesting though. Every question was pretty much asking the same thing: How do I not fail at dating? Finally, after several different versions of this one question I pointed out that everyone in the room was in their thirties or forties and single - we’ve all failed. That’s why they held the dating panel in the first place. The only way not to fail at all in dating is to not date. . . But then you’re sitting on your couch every night with no life to speak of and although you’re not having your heart broken, you’re not progressing either- which in my book is the biggest failure of them all. Go date already.

There’s this weird thing in Utah that people only feel comfortable dating someone when they know that person is 100% interested or they’ve already established that they’re a couple. My question is this – How do you know if someone fits you before you’ve tried them on for size? If anyone has ever made you go “Hmm. That’s interesting” at all. . . Ask them out. See what makes them tick. . .They could fit you perfectly.

After the panel, I was approached by several different men saying things like “I’ve learned so much from you blah blah blah. ..” and I just got frustrated. I didn’t feel like anything I shared was new. It was just common sense. All I learned was that the number one thing a man is looking for in a woman is punctuality and in order to get a man’s attention, I need to drop a handkerchief.