Auctioneering is not for me.

Last weekend, I was asked to co-host a Sub for Santa-type Service auction to provide a Christmas for some local families. Of course I was going to do it, it’s a wonderful cause!
So, in preparation for the festivities, we made sure that all 300 attendees were engorging themselves on tons of food because food always puts people in the mood to spend money. We also decorated the place festively, and my co-host and I dressed up in what could either be described as prom outfits or as members of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. He wore a suit with a red bow tie and I wore a matching red prom dress. Needless to say, he looked crazy handsome and I was. . . Festive.

We were introduced and walked out in front of the audience. There was of course the clapping and wooting from some of our friends, but for the most part, it was Steve and Casey standing in front of a crowd of 300, asking for money. The services and items to be auctioned were crazy cool. We had everything from hot air balloon rides to a full-on eye exam complete with fancy glasses up for grabs. People were excited to bid and win these pretty awesome packages. So we’re going on, making jokes and selling off the items when one of the behind-the-scene people calls my co-host to the side for a moment and I’m left alone in front of a crowd stuffing their faces with a Thanksgiving feast.

I smiled, looked out to them and asked “Would you like some hold music?” and then proceeded to sing Whitney Houston’s “I Believe the Children are Our Future”. Yeah, I know the words, don’t judge. While my co-host was ironing out some details, I was schmoozing with the front row while belting out “Show them all the beauty they possess inside! Give them a sense of pride to make it easier. . . “

It was at that point, as I was standing in front of a large crowd while wearing a red prom dress and silver stilettos, singing Whitney Houston that I asked myself “When did this become ok? When did I throw away any sense of propriety or pride for that matter and not care about what other people thought of me?” I kept singing until my co-host came back up with me and we continued the auction.

The auction was a success and many people will have a great Christmas but I still have to shake my head at myself and laugh. Who knows what people will get me to do at a New Years’ party. . . Or Fourth of July for that matter. Throw in some fireworks, and I go crazy.

Leftovers?

This morning, I opened the office fridge which is always a dangerous and brave feat in itself. There is always a jar of health drink, half eaten yogurts, dried carrot sticks, various and sundry spills, and a Tupperware from December toting something that has sprouted life and is heaving with a raspy breath of doom. Today provided a new surprise.

When we’re working late nights on our games, the company kindly provides us with dinners. Monday was one such evening. We were given sub sandwiches, pickles, cookies, and chips. Not all of the sandwiches were eaten that night so the large platter was covered and placed in the fridge for lunches. Yesterday, I noticed a couple sandwiches left and thought nothing of it. Today however, under the plastic lid, lie a single open hoagie roll with a shriveled tomato slice, withered lettuce leaf, and mayo. The meat and cheese were gone.

Let me paint the scenario:

One of the men paid by Disney for their impressive ability to create video games for children went into the kitchen last night. He thought to himself. “I’m hungry” and went to the fridge. “Aha!” he says to himself. “A Three day old sandwich, perfect!” He pulled out the 2 foot in diameter tray carrying the single sandwich from the fridge and opened it. He pulled out the sandwich and opted to forego the healthy vegetables and the carb-ridden roll so he carefully took out the meat and cheese. He wadded the handful of protein with one hand and shoved it into his mouth then placed the remnants back onto the tray and gingerly placed it back into the fridge. As he closed the door, he wiped his mayonnaise covered hand on his jeans and smiled to himself, pleased with his midnight snack.

Really? I thought the “Survival of the fittest” thing would’ve had him eaten by superiors a long time ago.

A few years ago, one of my young friends asked my pal and I about dating ladies. We mulled it over and came up with a list. We emailed him this list and he was married shortly afterwards. He recently put the list on his Facebook page and made me wax nostalgic. So I thought I'd make it a bit more public. Even though the list was geared towards a 21 year old young man about 7 years ago, it still applies. Enjoy.

Joseph,

Here is the list that we have compiled so far. Enjoy, and don't get too stressed out about it.

1. Never let a girl walk to her car alone (especially at night).
2. Call her up just to say hello.
3. If you think of a compliment, say it.
4. Every once in a while, give her flowers for no reason. Wildflowers, daisies, and tulips are best.
5. When walking on the sidewalk, you walk closest to the street.
6. Open doors for her
7. Don't talk about money or debt. It makes a girl feel uncomfortable.(Especially when you are sitting in a nice restaurant)
8. Ask her questions about herself and actually listen to her responses
9. When going on a date, NEVER say, "Well, what do you want to do?" Always have a few ideas in mind and let her choose if you really don't know what to do.
10. Be yourself.
11. Don't tell her that you will call her, unless you plan on it. There’s no rule that says you have to say, "I'll call you." If you don't think you'll actually call, don't say it.
12. Try to remember things that she says. It is flattering when a guy remembers something that you've said before.
13. Don't talk about ex-girlfriends, past dates that you've had, or any other girl.
14. Look her in the eye when you are talking, and SMILE.
15. You don't have to spend a lot of money to impress a girl. Every once in a while is nice, though.
16. Compliment her in front of other people. Always make her look good (don't pick on her in front of others).
17. Did we mention to smile enough? You have a great one, flaunt it.
18. If you're sitting at your pad (or a party or wherever that this may be possible), offer to get her a drink.
19. She'll probably dote on you too. Show appreciation for what she does; don't take it for granted.
20. When you say you'll call and mean it (see #11), make sure and do so within the next couple of days. Women over analyze things and if you don't call within 3 days, she's going to start thinking you're not interested.
21. Know or learn how to dance. If you ever end up in a situation where there's dancing, she's going to want you to ask her . . . It's the whole "You're proud to be seen with her" thing.
22. If she's coming out of a high vehicle or off a stage etc, take her hand to help her down.
23. When you do start kissing (stop blushing, it will happen), show respect and don't man handle . . . Women love gentle kisses, not sloppy or too hard (especially in the beginning).
24. Find out what some of her passions or hobbies are and try to work them into a date (does she like art? Take her to a museum . . . Play the piano?Take her to a concert (of the orchestra type)). While you're there, ask her opinion and learn from her.
25. If it's your passion or hobby, take her and tell her about it . . .She'll love that you're sharing something you appreciate with her.
26. If you feel so inclined, women love poetry or song lyrics . . . Maybe you could write some for her. She'll blush up a storm but will keep it forever.
27. Make her a CD of some of your favorite music. Again, she'll love that you're sharing some of yourself with her.
28. Try to do something other than the movies for the first few dates.They're all right once you're in a relationship but don't allow for a lot of "getting to know you" time for the beginning of a relationship.
29. Don't talk about your weight in front of a girl. She will start to think that you are hinting around that she is fat.
30. Treat her with respect in private as well as public places. She will be watching to see how you treat her.
31. Get to know her roommates or family. They have a lot of influence on her, whether she realizes it or not. If they say you are a jerk, you are a jerk.

There you go pumpkin. We may add more from time to time. Feel free to ask us any questions about this list. Love you like a rock!

Martha & Casey

Slacker

What a slacker. . . Slack slack slackin’ through life. It’s not that I haven’t had anything happen to me since the last post. I have- a lot actually. Since January, I’ve had my hair done a few times, written and storyboarded a few things, designed and built a set for a play, bought too many clothes, even more shoes, developed a fondness for certain types of sushi, dressed up as Julie McCoy, played a game show host, performed on stage a few times, was filmed by a camera crew while wearing an ugly outfit, kept my dog alive, drooled in California, went to Disneyland yet again, hit the beach, wished to hit the beach more, watched a guy in a mullet and Star Trek uniform walking around the movie theater three weeks after the movie opened, suffered through the crap Monsters vs. Aliens movie and swore to burn down Dreamworks, bought more reusable “green” grocery bags, blew bubbles at the drive-in, moved offices, bought a kooky lamp, sang several duets in the office with the only other person who knows show tunes in a video game company, got hit on by a truck full of eighteen year olds who subsequently got pulled over by the cops, rode dirty on Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, drank a mint julep, got a crush on a Wal-Mart employee (I’m finding the most random excuses to go there. . . Weird!), drank my weight in Diet Coke, became a Maid of Honor, got the emissions done on my car, planned a few trips for the future and committed to start a most serious diet tomorrow for said trips.

Now that may seem impressive but there are still so many things I haven’t done since January (some are things I’ve NEVER done!). I haven’t learned Greek, been to Europe and subsequently enjoyed the various and sundry entertainments or food or men to be enjoyed while in Europe, learned the haka, cooked something gourmet, sang opera (unless you count jibberish opera onstage), met my new Hollywood crush (Mr. Spock on the new Star Trek is as tasty as an alien can get - and I’ve seen many aliens in my day. ET had a face only a mother could love and Chewie? Well, I’ll just leave it at that), jumped on a trampoline, swam 4 laps in any type pool, been on an elliptical machine, talked like Doris Day, watched a film starring Parker Posey, bought anything made of actual gold, tripped in front of a crowd of 50 or more, been to a book signing, eaten hot Chee-tos, sewn a potholder, tiptoed through tulips, or been vaccinated.

So obviously I’m not as accomplished as I may appear. In fact, I’ve got tons to do. Why the heck am I wasting time here?!

FYI

So I was talking to a couple men in my office today and their questions prompted me to write another entry here. You can thank them later.

Ahem. Ok gentlemen,

A woman never wants to hear she looks anything other than pretty. When I was a teenager, I was at a beach party and a less-than socially adept guy looked at me and said “You know Casey, you’re not very cute when you’re wet.” I wanted to say “Well, you’re not cute when you’re dry so out of the two of us, I’d say I’m luckier.” But I refrained.

This brings me back to the point. Don’t ever look at a girl and say “You look tired”. In fact, to stay on the safe side of things, don’t ever use an un-flattering adjective when describing a woman’s appearance. You may get your eyes scratched. But, if you’re daring and know for a fact that that woman is feeling less than perfect (let’s say you just saw her vomit on her shoes or she’s just used a tissue to wipe the tear-induced mascara streaks from under her eyes), you may say something like “you’re not looking your best. . . Do you need me to do anything?” A follow-up question showing your concern for her welfare is the only way you can say something like that safely.

So, as a recap- you cannot use the following adjectives: sick, angry, swollen, sad, obtuse, vapid, mental, upset, wretched, mousy, feeble, plastered, drugged, plain, pale, pregnant, sea-sick, bored, comatose, scared, green, or any of their variations unless you’re brave or stupid.