Manly Magazine Titles

 

So my friend and I were talking about ordering boyfriends from a magazine.  In our discussion, we started listing possible magazines to which our dream boys would subscribe:

• Fisherman's Monthly
• Big Rigs and Gear Shifts Annual.
• Redneck Redbook.
• Guns and Ammo Daily News
• XBox Primer
• Cargo Pants Catalog
• Construction Workers' Guide to Traffic Cones
• Cowboy's and Indians Weekly
• Burgers and Fries -- A Guide to Fast Food
• BBQers Galore
• ATV's, Monster Trucks and Motor Bike Tips of the Trade
• Cuttin' Fingernails with Pocketknives and Other Handy Tricks
• Pourin' Cement Before Pourin' a Beer
• Lasso's, Lariat's and other Accessories
• Burping and Farts - A Guide to Manliness
• Frats and Brats - Crushing Cans on Your Head while eating a Footlong with Chili
• How to Say "Dude" in 88 Languages.
• Spider Killing: A True Sport
• Toilet Seat Stays Up
• I Can Bench Press My Woman, Can You?
• Tow a Duplex with Your Truck Using Duct Tape -- And other Testosteroney Tricks
• Meat and Potatoes
• Don't Bother Me I'm Watching the Game and other things Women should know.
• Are You Still Talking? Cold Feet: Not Allowed Under the Covers
• Stains And Other Things That Women Should Find Sexy
• I Like It When You Smell Like Bacon
• Yes Dear. I'm Listening
• Baths are for Sissys
• Who's Josh Groban?
• Whiskey Cures What Ails Ya!
• Air Guitar Purists

My Tomato Artichoke Bisque

Casey’s Tomato Artichoke Bisque


(The measurements are estimates. I have no idea how much of anything I used. Just until it looked right.)

3 tomatoes

1 head garlic

1 onion

1 c. Artichoke hearts

Salt and pepper

Olive oil

Garlic salt

1 box chicken broth

1 large can diced tomatoes

1 stick of butter

¼ - ½ c. flour

Spoonful of sugar

@2-3 c milk or cream

Basil

Bay leaf

Preheat oven to 425. Rub olive oil on baking pan. Cut and core tomatoes. Place cut pieces on pan. Cut up onions, garlic, and drained artichokes and place on pan. Drizzle with olive oil. Salt, pepper, and garlic salt to taste. Place in oven for @ 20 minutes, or until they start to caramelize.

While veggies are roasting, pour chicken broth in pot and add stick of butter. Melt butter and stir. Pour can of tomatoes, in blender and puree. Add to broth mixture. Slowly add flour, sugar, and milk while stirring constantly. Add basil and bay leaf, salt and pepper to taste.

Pour a bit of broth mixture (2+ cups) to blender and put in roasted vegetables. Puree. Pour into rest of soup. Mix until fully blended. Season to taste.

Stuff I've Learned about Building Relationships

It’s interesting how many times I’ve been in conversations with groups of singles and the dialogue always moves to dating, fashion, and interaction with the opposite sex.  I must say I’ve learned a lot from really random sources; observation, dating, performing onstage, people watching, script writing, logic, social situations (everywhere from dance clubs, crowded beaches, church events, clubs, etc), walking through a crowded city, and personal shopping – to name a few.  Out of all those, I’d say observation has to be the most effective way of learning about male/female relationships.  I’ll admit I’m not a professional and I’ve got several hundred flaws, but my fascination with human interaction has taught me a lot about how to be with the opposite sex.

Men:

1.       First of all, we women are nervous, self-conscious wrecks and we personalize everything.  Remember that. 

2.       Because of #1, we need you to be confident. You may be agitated and nervous because you’re on a date with your dream girl.  But when you sit uncomfortably at the table worried about your breath, avoiding eye contact because she makes you sweat, folding your arms because you don’t know what to do with them while you worry about pit stains, and constantly shifting because all of the sudden your arms and legs feel like giant logs weighing you down; all she’s going to think is “Omigosh.  He’s uncomfortable.  It must be with me.  He hates this date.  He’ll never ask me out again. He’s going to tell all of mankind that I suck and I’ll never date again.  I might as well become a miner and never leave the mine.”

o   If you’re not confident, fake it.  Open up your arms instead of folding them.  Drape one over the back of the seat if you’re up to it. When you fake confidence, she’ll start to believe you.  When she starts to believe you, you’ll start to believe you. Strangely enough, that leads to confidence, even if it’s just a little bit.

3.       Eye contact.  We love it.  We ladies are very aware that we have additional anatomy that is probably more compelling on occasion, but when you focus on that and not on our faces when we’re talking, we feel like objects instead of people.  Don’t get me wrong, we’re glad you appreciate all of our womanliness – in fact we’ve probably spent anywhere from 40 minutes to 3 hours of date preparation,  so we hope that you notice us at some point during our time together.  But to linger too long in wrong places and you’ll lead us to believe your IQ is dropping with each passing second. Also, keeping #1 in mind, we get really self conscious.

4.       Don’t slouch.  A man looks 45 times more attractive when he carries himself well.

5.       Don’t wear free t-shirts you got at conventions.  They never fit well and make you look cheap.  I mentioned the time we spend trying to look pretty for you.  We’d love it if it looked like you were reciprocating.

Women:

1.       Don’t stop trying.  I know too many women who have adopted the “He should love me for who I am, and I shouldn’t have to try to win him over” thing.  True to a point, sure. We don’t want you pretending to be something you’re not. But c’mon… What man is seriously going to look at a grown woman sporting a denim jumper with embroidered blocks across the front and think “Roar.  Now, that’s the one for me!”? You may be a school teacher, but you don’t have to dress like the second graders.  Update your freakin’ closet already.

a.       Be proud of your figure and know how to dress it.  If you don’t know, learn.  There are many styles out there that are trendy but don’t look good on everyone.  For example - I can’t wear scarves because my neck is the size of a tree trunk and the length of a Lego.  So wearing a scarf would make my head look like it was sitting contently on my square, linebacker shoulders. I know that so I don’t go there.

b.      Feel pretty. You’re freaking gorgeous but how is he going to believe it if you don’t?  Own it.  Everyone has assets.  Find yours and work on them.  Obviously, mine wouldn’t be my neck and shoulders. If you don’t know what’s pretty about you, find someone you’ll know who’ll be frank and have them go shopping or do makeup with you.

2.       Pull your shoulders back and smile.  Hunchback women do not draw men.  You have a bosom.  It’s ok if it sticks out.  Shoulders back conveys confidence.  Confidence is a sign that you consider yourself worth something.  Men will not fight for something they don’t believe is worth the battle.  If you appear that you don’t believe you’re worth the fight, why in the world would he? Smile because you know you’re worth it. He’ll believe you.

3.       Did you read that line in the above paragraph that said “Men will not fight for something they don’t believe is worth the battle.”?  True statement.  Seriously.  When you’re on a date, don’t verbal vomit.  When we verbal vomit, we tend to over inform.  Pay attention to what you’re saying so you’re not dumping info on your ex boyfriends, personal failings, or other negative garbage from your life.  Dating is not a free therapy session.  He didn’t ask you out because he’s dying to know how your boss lied to you and then hired a total jerk to take your place.  Shocking, I know.  Be pleasant.  Smile. 

4.       Be appreciative of his efforts.  Men need to be validated and encouraged.  If not, why would they continue?

I’ve got more, but that’s enough for now.  Have fun!

My Lecture

A friend of mine was going through some old emails when she found a note from me. I don't know if this was necessarily aimed at her, but I think it's applicable to all single people, including myself. So, I thought I'd share.

What the H are you talking about!!??? Are you dying in three days? Is someone making you join a convent? Are you going under the knife to have your face altered to make you look like Quasimodo tomorrow? Is James Browne making you be his personal assistant wherein you can only sit in his room and comb his wigs for the rest of your life? Are you moving to Lilliput to be surrounded by Lilliputians? Has Professor McGonagall changed you into a newt and forgot the counter spell? Have you just acquired an acute allergic reaction to human touch and moved into a bubble? Have you developed an overwhelming desire to only surround yourself with cats?

Those are the only reasons I can see that would keep you from getting married. Now, get your sad A out of this pit of despair you’ve just dug for yourself, brush yourself off, put a smile on and keep going. If I have to do this lecture again, you’re getting hit.

That Voice

I don’t like being called “girlie”. Especially by other girls. Kinda makes me wanna throw something. I don’t necessarily care what it is I’m throwing, I just wanna pick up the nearest thing and chuck it. Can’t explain it, it’s up there with being touched by someone else’s feet. It’s like a weird glitch in my system.

While I’m at it, I really don’t understand that voice that female store employees use when they talk to me. You know that “Are you finding everything okay?” voice that’s so high, it’s barely audible to humans? Why do they talk like that? It’s a great voice for talking to small dogs, a commercial for sparkly lip gloss for three year olds, or maybe for an obnoxious puppet with pink yarn braided hair. Or fairies. (Not the ethereal sparkly ones from those fantasy movies from the eighties, but the cartoony ones whose wings have to flap overtime in order to keep their round, strawberry scented bodies in the air.) I digress. Back to the store employees. It’s not only the cutsie doe-eyed ones with poufy hair starting at the crown of the head, an overabundance of mascara, and the perfect size 2 butts. It’s all the female employees that work in stores that sell things that cater to women. Lotion, bras, clothes, shoes, makeup. . . We’re not safe. There are no exceptions. Even if you find a normal voiced person there, you know there’s another who’s got the high pitched little dog-lip gloss-puppet-fairy voice.

The weird thing is; I’ve heard them talk to me in that voice. “Can I help you find anything?. . . No? . . Ok, well my name is Tiffany (of course it is) if you need anything.” And then they turn around to their co-worker, Amber and talk about Jake (you know, the guy who works in Foot Locker who looks crazy hot in his referee uniform. . . Something about that striped shirt that just does it. Mmm mmm.) in a voice that’s two octaves lower. Isn’t there some sort of high pitched little dog- lip gloss – puppet fairy voice self help group? Maybe an intervention type thing?

I think I’ve got to take this into my own hands. The next time I walk into Victoria’s Secret, the Buckle, or Express and one of those girls talk to me in the high pitched little dog-lip gloss-puppet-fairy voice, I’ll answer in my best low voice I can muster. I’m not talking Kathleen Turner raspy. . . I’m talking full-on Bea Arthur. If I could get down to Harvey Fierstein, I’d hit them with that, but I don’t think I’m able to. I’ll have to work on that one.

Auctioneering is not for me.

Last weekend, I was asked to co-host a Sub for Santa-type Service auction to provide a Christmas for some local families. Of course I was going to do it, it’s a wonderful cause!
So, in preparation for the festivities, we made sure that all 300 attendees were engorging themselves on tons of food because food always puts people in the mood to spend money. We also decorated the place festively, and my co-host and I dressed up in what could either be described as prom outfits or as members of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. He wore a suit with a red bow tie and I wore a matching red prom dress. Needless to say, he looked crazy handsome and I was. . . Festive.

We were introduced and walked out in front of the audience. There was of course the clapping and wooting from some of our friends, but for the most part, it was Steve and Casey standing in front of a crowd of 300, asking for money. The services and items to be auctioned were crazy cool. We had everything from hot air balloon rides to a full-on eye exam complete with fancy glasses up for grabs. People were excited to bid and win these pretty awesome packages. So we’re going on, making jokes and selling off the items when one of the behind-the-scene people calls my co-host to the side for a moment and I’m left alone in front of a crowd stuffing their faces with a Thanksgiving feast.

I smiled, looked out to them and asked “Would you like some hold music?” and then proceeded to sing Whitney Houston’s “I Believe the Children are Our Future”. Yeah, I know the words, don’t judge. While my co-host was ironing out some details, I was schmoozing with the front row while belting out “Show them all the beauty they possess inside! Give them a sense of pride to make it easier. . . “

It was at that point, as I was standing in front of a large crowd while wearing a red prom dress and silver stilettos, singing Whitney Houston that I asked myself “When did this become ok? When did I throw away any sense of propriety or pride for that matter and not care about what other people thought of me?” I kept singing until my co-host came back up with me and we continued the auction.

The auction was a success and many people will have a great Christmas but I still have to shake my head at myself and laugh. Who knows what people will get me to do at a New Years’ party. . . Or Fourth of July for that matter. Throw in some fireworks, and I go crazy.

Leftovers?

This morning, I opened the office fridge which is always a dangerous and brave feat in itself. There is always a jar of health drink, half eaten yogurts, dried carrot sticks, various and sundry spills, and a Tupperware from December toting something that has sprouted life and is heaving with a raspy breath of doom. Today provided a new surprise.

When we’re working late nights on our games, the company kindly provides us with dinners. Monday was one such evening. We were given sub sandwiches, pickles, cookies, and chips. Not all of the sandwiches were eaten that night so the large platter was covered and placed in the fridge for lunches. Yesterday, I noticed a couple sandwiches left and thought nothing of it. Today however, under the plastic lid, lie a single open hoagie roll with a shriveled tomato slice, withered lettuce leaf, and mayo. The meat and cheese were gone.

Let me paint the scenario:

One of the men paid by Disney for their impressive ability to create video games for children went into the kitchen last night. He thought to himself. “I’m hungry” and went to the fridge. “Aha!” he says to himself. “A Three day old sandwich, perfect!” He pulled out the 2 foot in diameter tray carrying the single sandwich from the fridge and opened it. He pulled out the sandwich and opted to forego the healthy vegetables and the carb-ridden roll so he carefully took out the meat and cheese. He wadded the handful of protein with one hand and shoved it into his mouth then placed the remnants back onto the tray and gingerly placed it back into the fridge. As he closed the door, he wiped his mayonnaise covered hand on his jeans and smiled to himself, pleased with his midnight snack.

Really? I thought the “Survival of the fittest” thing would’ve had him eaten by superiors a long time ago.

A few years ago, one of my young friends asked my pal and I about dating ladies. We mulled it over and came up with a list. We emailed him this list and he was married shortly afterwards. He recently put the list on his Facebook page and made me wax nostalgic. So I thought I'd make it a bit more public. Even though the list was geared towards a 21 year old young man about 7 years ago, it still applies. Enjoy.

Joseph,

Here is the list that we have compiled so far. Enjoy, and don't get too stressed out about it.

1. Never let a girl walk to her car alone (especially at night).
2. Call her up just to say hello.
3. If you think of a compliment, say it.
4. Every once in a while, give her flowers for no reason. Wildflowers, daisies, and tulips are best.
5. When walking on the sidewalk, you walk closest to the street.
6. Open doors for her
7. Don't talk about money or debt. It makes a girl feel uncomfortable.(Especially when you are sitting in a nice restaurant)
8. Ask her questions about herself and actually listen to her responses
9. When going on a date, NEVER say, "Well, what do you want to do?" Always have a few ideas in mind and let her choose if you really don't know what to do.
10. Be yourself.
11. Don't tell her that you will call her, unless you plan on it. There’s no rule that says you have to say, "I'll call you." If you don't think you'll actually call, don't say it.
12. Try to remember things that she says. It is flattering when a guy remembers something that you've said before.
13. Don't talk about ex-girlfriends, past dates that you've had, or any other girl.
14. Look her in the eye when you are talking, and SMILE.
15. You don't have to spend a lot of money to impress a girl. Every once in a while is nice, though.
16. Compliment her in front of other people. Always make her look good (don't pick on her in front of others).
17. Did we mention to smile enough? You have a great one, flaunt it.
18. If you're sitting at your pad (or a party or wherever that this may be possible), offer to get her a drink.
19. She'll probably dote on you too. Show appreciation for what she does; don't take it for granted.
20. When you say you'll call and mean it (see #11), make sure and do so within the next couple of days. Women over analyze things and if you don't call within 3 days, she's going to start thinking you're not interested.
21. Know or learn how to dance. If you ever end up in a situation where there's dancing, she's going to want you to ask her . . . It's the whole "You're proud to be seen with her" thing.
22. If she's coming out of a high vehicle or off a stage etc, take her hand to help her down.
23. When you do start kissing (stop blushing, it will happen), show respect and don't man handle . . . Women love gentle kisses, not sloppy or too hard (especially in the beginning).
24. Find out what some of her passions or hobbies are and try to work them into a date (does she like art? Take her to a museum . . . Play the piano?Take her to a concert (of the orchestra type)). While you're there, ask her opinion and learn from her.
25. If it's your passion or hobby, take her and tell her about it . . .She'll love that you're sharing something you appreciate with her.
26. If you feel so inclined, women love poetry or song lyrics . . . Maybe you could write some for her. She'll blush up a storm but will keep it forever.
27. Make her a CD of some of your favorite music. Again, she'll love that you're sharing some of yourself with her.
28. Try to do something other than the movies for the first few dates.They're all right once you're in a relationship but don't allow for a lot of "getting to know you" time for the beginning of a relationship.
29. Don't talk about your weight in front of a girl. She will start to think that you are hinting around that she is fat.
30. Treat her with respect in private as well as public places. She will be watching to see how you treat her.
31. Get to know her roommates or family. They have a lot of influence on her, whether she realizes it or not. If they say you are a jerk, you are a jerk.

There you go pumpkin. We may add more from time to time. Feel free to ask us any questions about this list. Love you like a rock!

Martha & Casey

Slacker

What a slacker. . . Slack slack slackin’ through life. It’s not that I haven’t had anything happen to me since the last post. I have- a lot actually. Since January, I’ve had my hair done a few times, written and storyboarded a few things, designed and built a set for a play, bought too many clothes, even more shoes, developed a fondness for certain types of sushi, dressed up as Julie McCoy, played a game show host, performed on stage a few times, was filmed by a camera crew while wearing an ugly outfit, kept my dog alive, drooled in California, went to Disneyland yet again, hit the beach, wished to hit the beach more, watched a guy in a mullet and Star Trek uniform walking around the movie theater three weeks after the movie opened, suffered through the crap Monsters vs. Aliens movie and swore to burn down Dreamworks, bought more reusable “green” grocery bags, blew bubbles at the drive-in, moved offices, bought a kooky lamp, sang several duets in the office with the only other person who knows show tunes in a video game company, got hit on by a truck full of eighteen year olds who subsequently got pulled over by the cops, rode dirty on Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, drank a mint julep, got a crush on a Wal-Mart employee (I’m finding the most random excuses to go there. . . Weird!), drank my weight in Diet Coke, became a Maid of Honor, got the emissions done on my car, planned a few trips for the future and committed to start a most serious diet tomorrow for said trips.

Now that may seem impressive but there are still so many things I haven’t done since January (some are things I’ve NEVER done!). I haven’t learned Greek, been to Europe and subsequently enjoyed the various and sundry entertainments or food or men to be enjoyed while in Europe, learned the haka, cooked something gourmet, sang opera (unless you count jibberish opera onstage), met my new Hollywood crush (Mr. Spock on the new Star Trek is as tasty as an alien can get - and I’ve seen many aliens in my day. ET had a face only a mother could love and Chewie? Well, I’ll just leave it at that), jumped on a trampoline, swam 4 laps in any type pool, been on an elliptical machine, talked like Doris Day, watched a film starring Parker Posey, bought anything made of actual gold, tripped in front of a crowd of 50 or more, been to a book signing, eaten hot Chee-tos, sewn a potholder, tiptoed through tulips, or been vaccinated.

So obviously I’m not as accomplished as I may appear. In fact, I’ve got tons to do. Why the heck am I wasting time here?!

FYI

So I was talking to a couple men in my office today and their questions prompted me to write another entry here. You can thank them later.

Ahem. Ok gentlemen,

A woman never wants to hear she looks anything other than pretty. When I was a teenager, I was at a beach party and a less-than socially adept guy looked at me and said “You know Casey, you’re not very cute when you’re wet.” I wanted to say “Well, you’re not cute when you’re dry so out of the two of us, I’d say I’m luckier.” But I refrained.

This brings me back to the point. Don’t ever look at a girl and say “You look tired”. In fact, to stay on the safe side of things, don’t ever use an un-flattering adjective when describing a woman’s appearance. You may get your eyes scratched. But, if you’re daring and know for a fact that that woman is feeling less than perfect (let’s say you just saw her vomit on her shoes or she’s just used a tissue to wipe the tear-induced mascara streaks from under her eyes), you may say something like “you’re not looking your best. . . Do you need me to do anything?” A follow-up question showing your concern for her welfare is the only way you can say something like that safely.

So, as a recap- you cannot use the following adjectives: sick, angry, swollen, sad, obtuse, vapid, mental, upset, wretched, mousy, feeble, plastered, drugged, plain, pale, pregnant, sea-sick, bored, comatose, scared, green, or any of their variations unless you’re brave or stupid.

Disney tips.

I’m recuperating from yet another Disney adventure. This one was with two new people, both men (I know, good job Casey!). Yes, it’s like trip number 37 (and yes, the skies were filled with ash, the sun was red, the moon was orange and it felt apocalyptic) but each time I go with someone new, I have new experiences and we try to mix it up a bit. Because of this, I’ll try to imbue you with some of our mix-it up ideas as well as share in some of our adventures:

Get reservations for lunch at the Blue Bayou several weeks in advance 1-714-781-3463. When you eat there, ask for a seat near the water and share a Monte Cristo. It’s huge. Be aware that any meal there is the cost of a semester’s tuition at Yale.

Ride the Indiana Jones ride in the back row, standing on the angled floor. Of course you’re buckled in, but you’re whipped about considerably more than when you’re just sitting in front. This is good for a hearty laugh and some fabulous back-cracking whiplash.

Don’t leave your hat in Space Mountain.

Lean forward and face your ride partner on Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. It feels more like “The wildest ride in the wilderness” this way. This is of course, if you’ve already been on it several times. If you do it your first time, you’ll miss out on the dynamite-eating goat and the view of the park from the top.

Although the classic Haunted Mansion is fabulous, make it a point to see it all Nightmare Before Christmas-y before you die. Your trip to heaven is guaranteed if you do.

When heading to Fantasyland, use the route behind Big Thunder Mtn. It’s usually less traffic-y, there’s a good chance of seeing a character walking about, and you’ll definitely see a couple making out.

The turkey legs taste like ham. Watch out. Make sure you drink plenty of liquids afterwards.

If you drop your wallet in New Orleans Square, make sure an honest person picks it up and hands it to a Disneyland employee. Hug the employee that returns it.

If you’re leaving a note for someone who’ll be in the park the next day, don’t leave it in the back of the furthest recipe book in the stack. Apparently, recipe books are a popular item.

Take advantage of the people watching opportunities. Give each other assignments during your day. We had some great assignments and found every one of the following:
- A couple wearing matching outfits
- Three pairs of striped socks
- A family of six or more
- Girls who thought they were cuter than everyone else
- A couple who you can’t even fathom would be a couple
- Someone wearing 3 cowboy-ish things
- Three boys wearing girl pants
- A cross-dresser
These are just examples. You are welcome to go further and crazier. We were fortunate enough to get additional gems like Superman, rock-a-billies, and the Grand Master of the Toy Story Mania ride.

Do the Monkee walk in the large open area in California Adventure that is no longer displaying Whoopi Goldberg’s head.

Get some soup in a sourdough bread bowl in California Adventure. It’ll make you forget the hotdogs and hamburgers you were forced to eat at Disneyland as a child.

Talk nice to the ride attendants and make friends with employees. You get nicer treatment and get to ride the Matterhorn first after a repair.

When riding the Matterhorn, sit alone (unless you really really want to be holding onto someone for fear of the Abominable Snowman) and cross your legs. Apparently I like to be whipped around in the rides.

If soot and ash are raining down on Disneyland, be sure to NOT wear flip flops. Otherwise your feet WILL be completely black by the end of the day.

Be sure to lean over while eating a churro so that sugar doesn’t end up down your shirt. Shake the churro twice after each bite.

While going up the hill at the beginning of Space Mtn. lean your head back and rest it on the car to get a fantastic, spacey ride. Just be sure to pick your head up as you start down the first hill or you will end up with a goose egg.

Always ask for the top row of Soarin’.

Make a stranger sit in the first 2 seats of Splash Mtn. If not, bring a change of clothes. They’ve added more water to the ride.

Make sure you bring aspirin, plastic baggies, and baby powder (chaffing is an issue after Splash Mountain and Grizzly Rapids).

Be sure to ride the Finding Nemo Submarine Ride in the early morning when the air in the sub will be fresh. Otherwise, it smells like bus.

Make the most ADD person in your group get the fast passes.

Hmm. I’ve got to get back to work so I’ll have to add more at another time. In the meanwhile, memorize this list.

Christmas Time Time

So, I'm like in New York City and yes, I allow you to be jealous. It's 8 am in the Big Apple and I just scarfed down some fruit and caffeine free Diet Coke (my sister hates reading labels. . . I'll have to go pick up the fully leaded stuff at lunch I suppose) while watching a parade of school busses stroll down 49th Street. Not a bad life, I must say.

This blessed break from reality chases the heels of months of torture- overtime. Overtime in the game industry isn't a suprise, it's expected. . . Like dental visits, taxes, or if you're lucky - jury duty. (I just got THAT blessed notice a couple weeks ago. So I'm to expect my jury servece sometime between October and December. Lucky me.) I digress.

Yesterday, my sister and I just walked the streets of New York City and I sucked it all in, the buildings, the people, the flower markets, the sickening smells of garbage, honking, outdoor dining, business suits and taxis everywhere. I must say, I don't mind the business suits at all. . . Quite delish in fact. I found myself humming a lot.

So, whenever my friends and I would see a hot man, we'd think to ourselves "Self, what a great gift my eyes just received for that brief moment when they were blessed with a vision of handsome-ness. It's like a holiday. A great one in fact" and in lieu of saying that mouthfull, we'd just say outloud "Merry Christmas!" to alert each other of the prescence of beauty in the nearby vicinity. This "Merry Christmas" has since been replaced with "Christmas Time Time!", to a jaunty tune made up by my nephew when he was four (for a great time, you should listen to his riviting rendition of "Dinosaur Saur"). Anyway, there are a lot of "Christmas Time Time"'s in New York City, it made for a fabulous walk about town. You should try it, people look at you funny when you burst into song. Good times. Good times.

So Old-fashioned, I know.

Ok, since I last checked into the mother ship, I’ve done quite a few things. I spent some time with my family at a beach house in Neskowin, Oregon where we made a most stellar sand castle, I dove into the barely above freezing water to be a good big sister, and walked a ton. Since then, I’ve spent just about every waking moment at work, pulling crazy 80+ hour weeks. . . Oddly enough, and I’ve actually had time for dates this week. Ok, one and a half. The other will be happening tomorrow.

And herein lies the beef.

I just want to put this out there. You see, I’ve dated for over half my life and yes, the protocol has changed, I recognize that. Now, the guy doesn’t have to come into my living room to meet my dad before he takes me to miniature golf and milkshakes. In fact, if it’s a first date, I don’t usually even let him pick me up. We meet somewhere public (especially if it’s a blind date) just for safty. Now, I don’t receive a phone call on Wednesday asking me out for Friday. Instead, I get a text message on Monday asking me out on Tuesday. When did Tuesday become a date night? It’s fine, I’m cool like that.

Not that I mind texts. They’re fun for the occasional flirt and “Be there in 5 min” kind of thing. But when a guy asks for your number so he can text you? C’mon. The word “telephone” means “transmitting speech sounds over a distance”, not “avoiding actual contact with a person before it’s absolutely necessary”. (On a side note, this 87 emails before you meet when you live 15 minutes away thing is ridiculous. You’ve built this huge thing up in your mind only to meet a totally un-stellar, perfectly normal, one-pant leg at a time person sitting across from you at the booth at Denny’s.)

But am I so archaic in my thought process here? When a guy asks me out on Tuesday for a date on Friday, am I wrong in assuming he’ll have some sort of plan? I’ve had some dates who had every moment planned out. They even offered to order for me at a restaurant with food I couldn’t pronounce. That was kind of cool. I felt very taken care of. I’ve also had dates who didn’t have a plan cemented in stone, but have several options thought out and that was great. They gave me choices, obviously keeping in mind that I had an opinion too. But the ones who pick me up and say “where do you want to go?” just make me want to belt them in the gut. . . Especially when they’ve had several days to think about it.

Girls like to know they’re on someone’s mind and that’s evident if you start the date with some sort of plan. . . . ESPECIALLY THE FIRST DATE! Show that you have some backbone man! Take her to a place you really like and know so that you feel comfortable there! Don’t expect her to make all the decisions! Do you know how long it took her to choose that top and those shoes that you’re probably not even noticing in the first place?

Holy freakin’ cow.

Misse Beverly Dout

So my friend Martha and I were IMing and talking about a guy I had been interested in who recently mentioned his girlfriend to me. I IMed something like “his loss” and she typed back “Yeah, he misse dout”.

From that mistype sprang an effusion of imagination. We decided that his girlfriend’s name was indeed Misse Dout and we came up with her bio. I’ll share some choice moments.

That's hilarious. Misse Beverly Dout. . . And she has red hair.
AND LOTS AND LOTS OF FRECKLES
HER HAIR IS UNRULY, KINKY, NOT CURLY
Yeah, and she's got poo colored eyes.
YEAH, AND SHE ALWAYS WEARS EMERALD GREEN BECAUSE IN SOME TIME SPACE CONTINUUM, SOMEONE TOLD HER REDHEADS NEED TO WEAR EMERALD GREEN/JEWEL TONES.
And she wears really light blue jeans a la 1995
YES! AND SHE FOLDS THE BOTTOMS AND WEARS WHITE KEDS THAT SHE BLEACHES EVERY SATURDAY
And has a weird laugh. Not cute, just weird.
YEAH, NOT ONE YOU CAN GET USED TO.
It takes you off guard and she laughs at inopportune and awkward times.
YOU JUMP OUT OF YOUR CHAIR BECAUSE SHE CACKLES WHEN THINGS ARE TOO QUIET FOR HER. HAVE YOU SEEN HER NOSE?
Not only freckly but huge! And all red and swollen because of allergies. She's allergic to his deodorant.
BUT SHE WON'T TELL HIM BECAUSE SHE IS AFRAID HE WILL LEAVE HER JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHERS
Yeah. She also won't ever let him in her room because of her Cabbage Patch Doll collection.
AND HER BARBIE DOLL HOUSE
And the rainbow kite hanging from the ceiling.
AND HER WEAVING LOOM. SHE IS MAKING HIM A RAG POTHOLDER FOR CHRISTMAS
With his initials.
YES, SHE WON THE WEAVING LOOM CHAMPIONSHIP IN 4TH GRADE
She still has the ribbon up on her vanity next to her photograph she took with Kirk Cameron during a "Left Behind" DVD signing.
YEAH, AND SHE KNOWS THE DVD WORD FOR WORD
Yep. She watches that and the He Man movie in tandem every Saturday.
WHILE HER KEDS ARE BLEACHING
Yes, during her weaving time.
SHE OWNS STOCK IN HOBBY LOBBY AND ROBERTS CRAFT
She's already made her wedding dress and practices writing her name in her diary with a lock and a unicorn on the cover.
IS SHE HYPHENATING?
She's practicing both versions. Still deciding.
IF I HAD A LAST NAME LIKE DOUT- I WOULD DEFINITELY HYPHENATE LOL. I DON'T HATE HER COMPLETELY. JUST DON'T MAKE ME HANG OUT WITH HER
ever
SHE USES HAND SANITIZER LIKE LOTION
She always smells sterile.
And names her plants.
EUNICE AND BEATRICE DOUT. SHE GIVES THEM HER LAST NAME
Don't forget Fergie Dout
Named after Princess Sarah
OH, YEAH, FERGIE IS NEW. SHE IS OBSESSED WITH BRITISH ROYALTY
She's made their action figures out of Barbie and Ken dolls.
SHE TRAVELED TO BRITAIN ONCE AND JUST HUNG OUT OUTSIDE OF BUCKINGHAM PALACE. WITH HER BAD TEETH PEOPLE THOUGHT SHE WAS A LOCAL
She bought a royal guard hat at Epcot and wore it on her trip.
ALONG WITH HER PRINCE HARRY T-SHIRT THAT SHE MADE WITH T-SHIRT IRON ONS AND TRIED TO SELL ON EBAY, BUT NO ONE WAS THAT INTERESTED IN HARRY. THEY WANTED WILLIAM
True. She has a William purse.
BUT SHE HAS A THING FOR REDHEADS SINCE SHE IS ONE. AND SHE DRIVES A BEAT UP GEO PRISM IN PURPLE BUT THE PASSENGER DOOR IS GREEN
With a Garfield in the back window and her license plate says "ETURNL"
WITH A LICENSE PLATE FRAME THAT READS: "RULDS2?"
She's part of the Wednesday night sewing club
YES SHE LIKES TO BE INVOLVED
She's also making a recipe book just so she can get her recipes out.
AGAIN- THE ONLY ONE CONTRIBUTING
She's very proud of her "Angel-ed eggs" which are really deviled eggs but she changed the name.
SHE DOESN'T PLAN TO MOVE OUT OF HER PARENTS HOUSE UNTIL SHE MOVES IN TO HER HUSBAND'S
She has all the names of her six children picked out and written inside the cover of "Emma"
AND SHE MAKES "BETTER THAN SEX CAKE" BUT SHE DOESN'T DARE CALL IT THAT. SHE HAS TO SPELL IT OUT IN A WHISPER. SHE DOESN'T PLAN TO KISS BEFORE SHE MARRIES.
Better than making babies cake.
Every time he goes in for a kiss, she pulls away and then starts to sneeze bc of his deodorant again. he still hasn't caught on.
NO, HE HAS NO CLUE
HE THINKS SHE IS PLAYING HARD TO GET
Oh yeah, but he can only take a couple more nights of misnamed good food and British Royalty role playing games.
WOW- YOU HAVE MADE ME LAUGH PRETTY HARD TODAY FRIEND
Same thing! We're pretty funny.

I'm a geek

Oh no. I’m a geek. A full on Batman t shirt owning, movie quoting, trivia knowing, computer using, matchy matchy geek.

I’ve always thought of myself as quirky. I mean, I’ve got a random collection of t’s, including the aforementioned Batman, Bo Duke, Kirk Cameron, Care Bears, Debbie Harry, Cedric Diggory, and Corey Haim to name a few. I just used “aforementioned” properly in a sentence. I have over a hundred pairs of shoes and like to match them to my outfits. I have too many movies, some of which I haven’t even seen. I have a Donny Osmond poster hanging on the same wall as my Morrissey and Breakfast Club posters. I’ve been to Disneyland too many times to remember and I don’t live in California. I have a Nightmare Before Christmas collection. I hate it when people dangle their participles. I have issues when people don’t wash their hair enough. I’m a stickler for using my turn signal, even when I’m alone on a road. I know what “NPC” and “RPG’s” are. I have a book on how to draw comic book characters. I usually fall for the funny best friend in movies. I had a huge crush on Owen Wilson for five years. My dog is named after Tim Burton and a wookie. I know all the words to “Puttin’ on the Ritz” and I have a Winnie the Pooh blanket here by my desk.

Ok, so now that I list all of that, I realize I’ve been a geek for a while. . . But yesterday, the realization hit me hard as I was walking to lunch. I passed a pair of guys talking. One of them whined “But I want to go to Toshi Station to pick up some power coversions!”

It took everything I have to not correct him. Inside, my mind was saying “Converters you idiot! ConverTERS! Why would Luke Skywalker ever go to Toshi Station to buy conversions?! I bet now you’re going to try and convince me that Mon Motha was dating Grand Moff Tarkin.”

Yeah. I’m a geek.

Evolution

I had a thought today as I was stuck behind a pickup truck whose driver refused to go the speed limit or use turn signals and gave the bird to the people she cut off while in the process of not signaling. It was one of those multi-colored trucks, brown rust body, blue hood, and black doors. One door flaunted a spray painted logo of a star being formed of broken guns. The rear window sported several choice stickers like Calvin peeing on something and a rabbit with antlers. The ever spectacular mud flaps with the silhouette of a lady were blowing in the wind. Shiny chrome framed the license plate while the rest of the truck was rusting away. But what made me do a double take was the Darwin fish on the bumper that displayed the word “evolve”. Ironic, isn’t it? Everything about the truck was evidence contrary to the whole idea of evolution. Maybe the driver was trying to remind herself.

To do:
- Buy more wife beaters and yell at the cashier
- Get tattoo of the Tazmanian Devil removed
- Try and use expired coupons from KFC at Taco Bell
- Evolve

Pot Lucks

Recently I went to a pot luck full of single people. It was yet another eye opening experience. The food was good. I think only a couple people brought store bought cookies. I was impressed. There were find out questions on the paper covered tables, to help spark conversations and crayons scattered around in case the conversations lull.

While our conversations freely flowed, we grabbed a few of the questions out just to see what we could’ve been talking about. One was “What are you wearing that best represents you?” The best thing I could come up with was my plastic bracelets. The rest of my clothes actually almost looked grown up. My roommate was lucky though, she was wearing a tshirt with a skeleton kid on it saying “Nobody wants to play with me”

Another question was “If you were on a long flight, who would you want to sit next to on the plane?” I stated that I didn’t want anyone to sit by me. I’d rather have the elbow room. I hate being squished on a plane. A friend across the table kept saying “The plane is full, you have to sit by someone!” but since that wasn’t stated on the paper, I stuck with my initial answer.

The two guys next to us were characters. Every time I would say something, one of them would just stare at me as if he was checking off something in his head. Finally, I asked him what he was doing and he told me he was profiling me. Some profile. I’m sure it was incredibly shallow. Who’s going to discuss deep things like the state of the union my personal feelings on child development while eating meatballs and fruit salad?

At the end, I started rolling up the paper tablecloths to help clean up. As I neared the end of the table, I got close to a guy drinking a soda (let’s call him Eddie) who was just watching the cleanup and a girl who was folding chairs. I had to stop a couple feet away from Eddie because there were some bottles of water on the table. With my arms full, I looked up at Eddie and said “Hey, can we throw these bottles away?”

He looked at me, shrugged, and said “I don’t care, they’re not my drinks. You can do whatever you want.”

The girl with the chairs looked up at him and said “She was asking for help.”

It was at that point that I realized yet again how different men and women are. It’s funny how one can have a reoccurring realization, as if it doesn’t stick the first two thousand times. I smiled as Eddie took the bottles and threw them away then continued sipping his soda while we finished clearing the table.

I keep hearing that we have to be very direct with men. Eddie was a testament to that. Ladies, if you want a man to throw water bottles away, just tell him. He’ll do it. He just needs exact direction, not hints.

New York City

I just came back from a trip to New York City to visit my sister with my mom. Other than the 100 degree weather, it was fabulous. The city is crazy beautiful, full of people of every race, background, and situation.

It was interesting to see the different parts of Manhattan. We stayed in Karley’s apartment, surrounded by high rises and not too far from all the ginormous office towers.
We ate at Tao, a very chic restaurant (Karley told me they filmed a scene from “Hitch” there) and my mom started dancing to the house music being pumped through the room. Who knew my mom was so cool? She had gone shopping beforehand, buying a lot of black and white clothes to “New York” herself. . . She fit right in. In fact, she got six boyfriends at the Bagel place the next morning. The crusty old men there were flirting up a storm and giving her free cookies. They weren’t about to offer me any.

We walked to the bizarre world of Times Square, where although it was crowded and lit like a Christmas tree, it was surprisingly quiet. Everyone was walking around agape and no one was watching where they were going. The signs advertising Coke, Broadway shows, and stupid movies starring Adam Sandler and Mike Meyers illuminated the streets and captivated the crowds

SoHo was so posh, everyone advertising their D&G or Prada ensembles and greeting each other with kisses on the cheek. The beautiful people were out in full force. We almost ran into pretty Dax Shepard and his arm candy as we were window shopping. I felt very out of place in my Kohl’s shirt, Target sunglasses, and large pant size. After a stop in Chinatown to pick up a knock off D&G purse and glasses, I felt better. (sadly, the vendors in Chinatown could do nothing about my pant size). The fancy cupcake from some super famous bakery didn’t help either.

I tell you what, walking around NY really makes SLC very tiny in comparison. But, in retrospect, New York’s got nothing on us. . . They may have Saturday Night Live, the Today Show, the Beastie Boys, Sean Puffy Combs, Vince Lombardi, Jerry Seinfeld, and James Cagney but we’ve got the Osmonds! Take that, Brooklyn!

So Many New Things

I’ve learned a couple things these past few weeks I haven’t posted anything. . . Well, I’ll go back and do a small recap of my adventures and interject my newly acquired knowledge (or witnesses to knowledge I already had).

I went to Los Angeles with some friends during the weekend of Mother’s Day. We spent time at Disneyland, California Adventure, The J. Paul Getty Museum, Santa Monica, Hollywood, and several restaurants. While on this trip, I learned some key things: my jeans aren’t as flattering as I thought they were, women should always wear bras even if they’re not busty (their lack of bra is definitely not as flattering as they think they are). Churros should be eaten away from the body and only when you’re dry and full garlic meals shouldn’t be eaten while on a date. Women talk to more strangers than men do. I get scolded if I buckle my backpack into the Tower of Terror seatbelt. Martha Andrea and I look cute in a similar cut shirt. I still don’t like tomatoes. too many teenage girls think they’re really cute in Winnie the Pooh ear barrettes. Hannah Montana really is taking over the world. I can’t eat a full burger from the ESPN Zone without being sick and no one should eat a full Monte Cristo sandwich from the Blue Bayou by themselves. Some people have weird ideas at what constitutes “fine art”. Gina Davis looks a bit older than I thought. PT Cruisers have terrible turning radiuses and weird shiny distracting dashboards, and Jeff snores.

The trip was a blast.

Then upon returning, I learned that my dog gets both exhausted and wounded at pet care places, I’m not as rich as I’d like to think, the government really doesn’t want to give me my six hundred dollars, and my bed is my favorite.

Since then, I learned that I didn’t like the second Narnia movie or Golden Compass. My melon colored shirt makes me look both tan and thinner so I’ll be wearing that every day. A Master Butler taught me that gum doesn’t freshen breath and that when a lady leaves the table, the man should order a new napkin for her. He also taught me how to eat cheesecake. I never knew you needed both a fork and a spoon.

Today I learned that t-shirts starring Bo Duke will invoke teasing.

Holy cow, that’s a lot. . . And that was only in two weeks.

Dating panel

Recently I was asked to be on a dating panel. It’s exactly what you think; six people sitting up in front of a crowd, answering questions. As I looked down the table at the other girls in the panel, high school came to mind. I was sitting with the Prom queen, the head cheerleader, and the captain of the chess club. I guess that made me the class clown. The guys had an equal division of clicks. Yeah, I couldn’t figure out how I fit in either.

The questions were pretty great. There were ones like “How should I ask a girl out?” or “If a girl ignores me, is she playing hard to get or is she not interested?” My answers were pretty simple too; “Just ask her. Chances are good that she’ll say yes (that is if you don’t display any creepy mutant factors)” and “Move along Captain Stalker. . . she’s not interested. Find another prey to harass.” There were other questions addressing whether or not a first date is alright on Valentines day, if and when the girl should pay, what a woman wants in a man, etc.

It was interesting though. Every question was pretty much asking the same thing: How do I not fail at dating? Finally, after several different versions of this one question I pointed out that everyone in the room was in their thirties or forties and single - we’ve all failed. That’s why they held the dating panel in the first place. The only way not to fail at all in dating is to not date. . . But then you’re sitting on your couch every night with no life to speak of and although you’re not having your heart broken, you’re not progressing either- which in my book is the biggest failure of them all. Go date already.

There’s this weird thing in Utah that people only feel comfortable dating someone when they know that person is 100% interested or they’ve already established that they’re a couple. My question is this – How do you know if someone fits you before you’ve tried them on for size? If anyone has ever made you go “Hmm. That’s interesting” at all. . . Ask them out. See what makes them tick. . .They could fit you perfectly.

After the panel, I was approached by several different men saying things like “I’ve learned so much from you blah blah blah. ..” and I just got frustrated. I didn’t feel like anything I shared was new. It was just common sense. All I learned was that the number one thing a man is looking for in a woman is punctuality and in order to get a man’s attention, I need to drop a handkerchief.